Air carriers today, announced a new class of airline service for passengers concerned about the inconvenience of airport security screening.

Passengers holding a "Passenger as Freight" or PAF ticket will be able to check themselves through to their final destination avoiding the lengthy security procedures

Benefits of PAF passage include:

• Quicker scanning during the loading process
• No need to remove your shoes, keys, or pocket change
• No more worry about missed connections
• No prying questions about who packed you
• Avoid airport waiting areas
• May be accompanied by pets
• Curbside check-in available

Potential draw backs:

• Limited sanitary accommodations
• Additional charges for pressurized passenger containers may apply

Hussein Victory Margin Greater than First Reported

Iraqi government sources released the results of a careful re-tabulation of the recent Iraqi presidential election revealing that Saddam Hussein actually won office by an amazing 137% of the vote, and not the more modest 100% that had been reported earlier.

President Bush Announces Initiative to Eliminate Mortgage Interest

President Bush, in the latest of a series of startling economic proposals intended to stimulate a moribund economy, recommended doing away with the practice of charging interest on loans to consumers. Since most of the funds provided for such loans are borrowed, at interest, from primary funding sources prior to being offered for consumer loans, the president reasoned that money offered for consumer loans was "Double Interested" , while observing, that as such, the practice "just isn’t fair".

Botox Injections May Help
Free Up Tight Wallets

Researchers in Germany announced that injections of dilute botulin toxin, which has previously been used to erase wrinkles and stop under arm perspiration, may be effective in freeing up otherwise tight wallets. In a technique that was originally developed to help patients paralyzed by the high cost of Botox treatments, a small amount of botox is injected into the area around the patient’s wallet, easing payment.

Although it has only been tested with cosmetic surgery patients there is no reason that the procedure wouldn’t work on lobbyists, parents of college students, or contributors to charities.

White House Adopts
New PPA Wording

The White House today announced a change in the PPA from "To bring democracy to Iraq" to "To support the new government in Iraq". The PPA, or Prime Policy Alibi is the official government excuse offered for inexplicable trade, or foreign policy announcements. It has also seen use in the past for propping up unpopular domestic agendas.

PPAs, although officially intended for U.S. government use, are sometime approved for use by the governments of sympathetic allies, such as Britain, in the event that they have trouble coming up with their own.

The SPA (Security Policy Alibi), used to justify draconian or inefective security policies, remains: "Because everything's changed since 911"

Memorable PPAs from the past

• In preparation for possible action against Iraq
• To aide in the global fight against terrorism
• To improve our competitiveness in the global market
• To open up foreign markets to American products
• To help "grow" the economy
• To combat the spread of communism in central America